Ski Trip Saga -- Part Two

"A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him." ~Elmer G. Letterman

Bull crap. TOTAL bull crap. That's what I have to say about the subject -- piles and piles of smelly, stinky bull crap. Which brings me to the ski-related part of the Ski Saga.

Have you ever snowboarded? It's a thrilling sensation, the likes of which you can only get by hurtling yourself down an icy slope with naught but a plank between you and utter destruction. I have officially snowboarded twice, once last year and once this year... I thought I would have known better.

Let me start by saying this -- snowboarding really is fun, no matter how much I gripe, complain, and mully-grub about it.

*

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

Really?!!?? I mean, really -- what is the joy, the payoff for slamming face-first into a snow bank 100 times? What pleasure can be gotten from plowing into a sheet of ice because some ninny on skis decided to sit down at the bottom of a steep hill? How, pray-tell, does one avoid careening off a bluff backwards, arms flailing, lips cussing, and pants wetting? Hmmm??!?!!??

I took the class. Yes, Virginia -- I took the "Ober Gatlinburg Ski (and snowboard) School" class to make me Shaun White. Situated in an under-glorified picnic shelter, everyone had to watch a video about safety on the slopes, "The Code of Responsibility". Group after group after group of skiers came and went, while the poor little snowboarders had to wait for an instructor. I saw this freaking video SIX TIMES. Oh yeah, outside in the cold. VERY VERY VERY cold.

After our instructor finally arrived to teach us the mystical secrets of la planche à neige (that's French for "snowboard"), I was a bit underwhelmed. We started out by hopping in a circle (sans planche), walking around in a circle, then standing on one foot while wiggling the other one about. There I was, ass frozen solid and doing the hypothermic Hokey Pokey with a bunch of camouflage-wearing mountain folk.

I ditched class and got a couple of beers in the lodge.

I actually did hit the slopes a bit. My whole family (save my brother) went skiing, so I might as well have been on the moon. They kept telling me how much easier it was to snowboard than to ski, and that I just needed to keep at it. Right... it's totally easier because I've seen people do it, and it looks easier. So it is. Totally right. I spent much of my time slipping, flailing my arms, cursing under my breath (kids, ya know), falling down, trying to get back up, getting back up, and falling back down. When I would finally get going pretty well, I would see impending doom looming before me like a deadly minefield -- scads of inexperienced skiers and snowboarders (much like myself) splayed out all over the course. It looked like a damn Civil War reenactment.

I had a hard enough time going, and let me tell you -- stopping is MUCH harder than going. Especially when you have to stop on a hill. And the hill turns. And it's filled with the devestated remains of a 4th grade class in ski boots.

So... yeah, I fell down a lot. My trick for stopping is pretty much the same one that everyone uses at the skating rink -- slamming into the wall. But there are no walls on a ski slope, only ground... so that's what I did. Purposely wiped out, I mean. By the end of the day I felt like I had been beaten up. My knees were bruised, my butt was sore, my arms and legs ached, I had a headache, and I had no idea how most of these ailments had occurred.

The one saving grace was that our cabin had a hot tub on the front porch. Every evening I would retire to the hot tub alone with a huge beer or bottle of wine and let the stresses of the day melt away... while everything else froze. True story -- It was still 12 degrees outside (and snowing to boot!), so while I was toasty in the tub, my hair was freezing solid... even on my face. An interesting sensation, and by far the highlight of the trip.

So that was snowboarding. If we get the cabin again next year, I will probably end up snowboarding again. I do not expect different results, although I will anticipate and buy more beer.

Ski Trip Saga -- Part One

Ski Trip Saga -- Part One

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

-- Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu

Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531 BC)

This dude had no idea just how correct he was. I don't know about a single step, but I felt like I drove about a thousand miles in the span of three and a half days. Oh, joy!

For part one of this epic recounting I will focus on the journey itself -- I have never been on a road-trip that offered up so many surprises of mildly entertaining value, albeit bizarre in nature. I had a feeling I would see some interesting sights when I found myself face to face with a large print of Monet's "Waterlilies". Where was it, you ask? Hanging on a restroom wall (the only restroom, might I add) in a gas station in Statesville, NC.

Let me emphasize how odd and out of place this print was; there was no mirror in the bathroom. Heck, there wasn't even soap. When I opened the door in the far corner of a grimy gas station with a hand-written "bathroom" sign, I had no idea I would be staring at this impressionist wonder. At least they got taste... but I'm still holding out for soap.

Although this left me chuckling, it wasn't long until I encountered a small detour... well, a rather large detour, actually: a section of I-40 has apparently been shut down for months due to a massive rock slide. This meant that I had to ignore my GPS and depart from the well-blazed trail. I really had no idea where I was going, to be honest. Here are some interesting things that I encountered along the way:

• Interesting Road names

One great thing about having a GPS is that it lists the nearby road names, even when you can't see the street signs (or they don't exist anymore). One of my favorites is Pig Trot Road -- it goes right over a railroad crossing. Another great one is Trendsetter Way... which leads straight into a trailer park via a hair salon (also in a trailer).

• "You'd just have to be there..."

The first major town I recall seeing after I turned off of the Interstate was Christmasland. I mean, not really, but it might as well have been called that. Even though it was only a week after Christmas, this whole town was still completely decked out in reindeer, Santas, elves, snowflakes, snowmen... pretty much anything that has ever appeared on a Christmas Hallmark card.

After that, I went into a little town called Cherokee. I guess it's a pretty big deal for a lot of folks, so no surprise there. What was a surprise was driving around a deserted mountain pass and almost crashing into a casino. A big casino... Harrah's, to be exact. What could be more fun than a vegas-style casino in the middle of nowhere? Why, Tribal Bingo. Can I wear dinosaur bones? Pretty please? As I was leaving Cherokee, I glimpsed Unto These Hills, one of several local outdoor historical dramas. While I've never seen a show here, I have several friends who worked there during summer-stock. I worked at Snow Camp (The Sword of Peace), and ever since then it always fascinates me when I pass by another outdoor theater locale.

• Best Signage or Alright, Mr. Wise-Guy

I don't even know who to praise for this next one, but if I could... I'd buy him a beer. The sign in question was one of those programmable, "detour ahead" kind of signs. What it actually said was priceless:

to 66/40

stay straight

your GPS

is WRONG

All in all, it was a good little journey. The return trip was far less interesting, far more grueling, and not worth mentioning (save what I just said). We'll forget I said anything.

I could do a whole week's worth of entries solely on the Gatlinburg locals, and especially the vacationers. Depending on how interesting (or not) my life proves to be in the next few weeks, I may indulge you. But for now, this concludes Part One of my Saga. Stay tuned for the exciting rantings and ravings to come!

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In my last post (well, not the last one, since no one commented on it yet... the one before that), Jennifer had this to say:

Jennifer said...

Wow, that is a knockout! I'm totally queueing it. No witchcraft--I'm just a fast knitter, and was extremely motivated (it was supposed to be a wedding gift for my aunt and her wife, but I'd forgotten about the wool allergies...it's now with a friend who wears it around the house like a shawl).

Thank you, thank you -- I'm glad that you think I have good taste in patterns... because that image is certainly not my work. My Stor Dung Ring (or whatever it's called) has already had a quite traumatic little existence so far. And I still think that it's witchcraft.

Does a witch specialize in broomstick lace? (I'll be here all week)

I'm sorry to hear about your fiber-allergenic mishap... but it did get me thinking -- how many others have had handknit gift-related complications? Didn't fit? Already had one? Allergic to fiber? Anything?

Comment below and share your most humorous, tragic, complicated, depressing, infuriating, or generally disparaging gift-giving mishap! I'll be thinking of mine...

Thanks for reading!

"The Rabbit Checks Out" or "The Bun Who Came to Dinner"

Mr. Bunny Bunny is gone. Oh, woe is me! He went home today, and just when I was starting to get through to the little bugger. I swear, that thing is a cross between a cat and a dog. It would almost come to you, but then sort of decide not to.

Ok, so he's a lot more like a cat than anything.

All in all, he was a very polite house guest. He did munch on a bit of our baseboards and nibbled through an electrical cable, but hey -- who hasn't? It was all worth it when I peeked at him all sprawled out on the carpet... O M G. He looked just like a bunny slipper.

I leave for the mountains tomorrow... that'll be fun! I'll be in a cabin in Gatlinburg the next few days for a family ski trip. It'll be a full house, so I'll be bringing a few bottles of wine and some knitting to save my sanity. I've heard that it's supposed to snow, but I'm doubtful. If it's at least a little chilly, I'll be pleased. Last year it was in the 60's. Have you ever snowboarded in 60 degree weather?

Miserable.

Imagine -- hot, sweaty gear; slick, not-snow-anymore ice; whiny kids/family/brother/me/everyone

I bit the ice so many times last year, mostly to avoid the Whiskey Tangos in sweat pants and t-shirts. Really? I mean, really? At least pretend you're at a ski resort or something.

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In my last post, MonicaPDX made the comment:

Ooooh, pretty!

But I shall break my own rule and make a New Year's resolution...being as I'm a lot like you in the resolution area, and long ago gave up on 'em: I amnever gonna try something like that.

But it sure is purty. ;)

.

You're a peach, you know that? How sweet of you! I only hope that my blanket turns out that well. I believe that I'll bring that project into the mountains with me. We shall all see if it survives the wine, snowboard bruises, children, wine, brothers, wine, and any other unexpected interruption/distraction. After all, it's just Scandinavian lace...

I'm doomed.

I started a pair of gloves today. After all of the crazy holiday knitting I've done, I wanted to pamper myself by making something really selfish with really nice yarn. I drug out my "private stock" drawer, fondled two or three cakes of Malabrigo Sock, tickled some wool/silk blends, and perused Ravelry (of course) for the perfect glove pattern. You know, "real" gloves -- fingers and all!

...but I chickened out. I'm still working with nice yarn, but it's not a-day-at-the-spa yarn or anything. After I realized that I have never made gloves with fingers, I figured that I would make some chunkier gloves to start out with so I could understand the basic construction. So now I've got this weird striped mass of loose ends and held stitches staring up at me... I have one finger done. That won't get the job on the slopes, will it?

And why in the bloody hell did it take me two hours to realize that one of the colors I'm using is cotton yarn? I thought it wasn't as springy... but really? Am I losing my touch? Quick! Someone get me a case of Red Heart before I can tell the difference!!!!

Do not get me a case of Red Heart.

*

I just checked the weather for Gatlinburg -- Of course, it looks like it snowed today, but won't snow again until the end of next week. Well, save a few possible flurries on Monday.

Ten bucks says that before all of this is over, I'll be drinking wine on the back porch hot tub. In the snow. Oh, a boy can only hope...

Last Chance to Blog This Year!!!!

In retrospect, I actually haven't been that pathetic of a blogger this year. Well, save the first ten or so months. Whoops. But here I am, on the eve of the new year... drinking wine and blogging.

Mother would be so proud.

In this next year, I will join the bajillions of other people with their New Year's Resolutions. I have tried several times to actually do something for more than a week or so, but it rarely ever works out. But this year will be different, I can feel it! But which resolutions shall I pronounce? What shall I be resolute in doing or not doing? How resolved will I actually be?

To answer the last -- there's really no point in breaking tradition. I mean, that's a kind of resolve all its own. But here, in this bleak, "Dear Diary" corner of cyberspace I will declare what I aim to do... later.

Here are some things that I might be resolved about in 2010:

• Be More Active -- Join a gym? Nah, too expensive. Running? We'll try jogging first... or, walking? Yeah, we'll try that. Maybe I'll just go pick up some cinder blocks in the lot next door... Ah, who am I kidding, I complain about the stairs at my apartment.
• Eat Better -- Sooo.... as soon as all these cookies, toffees, chocolates, and other sweets are out of the house, I'll start this. That is, if no one else drops off any goodies. It's a rough life, but someone's gotta live it.
• Keep Up with Stuff -- Blogging, knitting, music, dyeing, painting... all the essentials.

I solemnly vow to maybe try to do some stuff in a sort of regimented fashion for a little while, or until it hurts, makes me sweat, makes me too tired, makes me hungry, or makes me not want to do it anymore.

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My dear, long-lost friend Jennifer commented after my previous blog:

I loved doing the Hemlock Ring Blanket--it only took about a week-and-a-half. What pattern are *you* doing?

Hey, we still need to get to Crazy Yarn House. January? :)

I really can't believe that you knit the Hemlock Ring Blanket in only a week-and-a-half... I suspect witchcraft. Or child labor. Or pixies. ???!!?!? That's incredible! My circular creation is coming along at a clipping rate, but there's no way I could knit that fast!

Also, I want to point out that I love how Jennifer used asterisks in a vain attempt to italicize... like *this*. *Someone's* been on the Ravelry forums too much! Just kidding -- I do this ALL the time, and it makes me giggle when I see someone do it who isn't me. ;)

And yes -- after some non-laziness, I will now post my pattern and such:

Stor Rund Dug

That's right -- my first big piece o' lace has a cool Scandinavian-sounding name. Only the best! I totally swiped a pic from NaughtyNumber3's Ravelry project page, because her work is stunning and the photo shows off the pattern in a really lovely way. Way to go, NaughtyNumber3!

See? Isn't that pretty? But mine's gonna be bigger and browner... and probably with more wonkies.

Crap, the wine glass is empty. We all know what *that* means!

Oh yeah, about the knitting!

I totally forgot to mention in my last post what I am knitting now! How silly of me.

I was inspired by Jared Flood (big surprise) and his Hemlock Ring blanket. I thought it looked pretty cool, but not particularly intriguing to me at first glance. Then I discovered this blanket's deep, dark secret:

It's not a blanket at all, but a fancy, lacy, purposeless doily...

ON STEROIDS!!!!!!!

Knit with chunkier yarn and bigger needles, this little dainty thing is transformed into a lovely, detailed blanket that captured the viewer's eye! As an added bonus, the knitter doesn't lose his mind in the process of making it! How nice.

I suppose I wasn't the only person to be inspired by Jared's creative transmogrification -- there were something like, oh, 3,141 other people who had made one. Being a very individual indivualist and all, I simply couldn't just follow behind all of those charming people. I found the slightly obscure pattern... oh shoot, what was it? It's Scandinavian... or Danish (not those little pastries)... Oh, Jesuahtofseerwa! It's probably in my last post if ya really want to know!

By the way, do you like how I just made up a curse-ish word up there! Seriously just pressed random keys. I know, my talents are plentiful and legendary.

I'm knitting this thing with Paton's Classic Merino yarn, 100% wool. It's a lovely milk chocolate brown color, which would make a fantastic color for a sweater. Say, a "Boot-cut Sweater" from the "Knitting with Balls" book by Michael Del Vecchio. You know, the one that's knit in the round up to the armpits, then is split in such a way that the new knitter very-well might rip his hair out, curse at it, plead with it, put it in time-out for months, leave it there, forget about it, find it while moving, re-forget about it, re-find it, be guilted by it sitting and mocking him, threaten to rip it out, re-plead with it, and finally scream out to the heavens that "Damn it all, I am the Master of you!" and tear it to bits in a flurry of fuzz, fluff, and frayed ends...only to later re-knit it into a blanket using a doily pattern.

But then, I suppose you get the picture.

Aside from a few minor mishaps early on ("WTF?#*#*$&@? Where are my other stitche...DAMN."), there was nothing that my trusty crochet hooky and even trustier wine bottle-opener couldn't handle.

There is a bunny under my couch.

That's right, there is right this moment a bunny under my couch. And he is SOOOOOOO cute! Seriously. I don't know why the world has been keeping this a secret from me for so long!

...bunnies being cute, I mean; not that one was trapped under my couch all this time.

He is the most mild-mannered, sensible bunny I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am only bunny-sitting for a short time, but I may have to refuse return of this little guy. Who cares if the kids cry -- "But mommy, that's our Christmas bunny!". Don't care. He's mine now, I claim him.

Why, I'll pee on him if I have to.

*

Speaking of which, perhaps I should check to see if he's peeing on my bedroom carpet... please hold --

*

We're good!

So, I think that I'm finally seeing the end of the tunnel. I started to say the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is no light -- only darkness. Cold, cold darkness. Let me explain:

Last year, I sent myself into a small frenzy knitting everybody's Christmas gifts. It was exhilarating and nauseating... think medium-rough airplane turbulence. After I finally got everyone's gifts knitted up, ends weaved in, and seams sewn together, I didn't care anymore. I could not give a damn if I tried with all my might, and if I had won a free lifetime supply of "damn". I just couldn't.

I moped around on Ravelry, especially in the forums, for weeks. It was bad! I saw all kinds of things that I liked, but I simply couldn't cast-on for a single project. Not one. Fortunately, I soon got over it and began to selfishly knit for myself again... until now.

Is it my masochistic nature, or am I delusional? WHY did I decide to make a handknit gift for everyone that I work with? It's about 20 people -- FAR more people to knit for than last year! I am nearly finished with this crazy endeavor, but I have made sure to maintain a few "me" projects too.

The most recent of these projects is an antique doily pattern knit on a much larger scale, making it blanket sized. It's my attempt to be more like my knitting idol, Jared Flood. omgomgomgomgomgomg.... he's pretty much the coolest guy in knitting. His designs are INCREDIBLE, and his photography of said knitting makes me green with envy. I would love to meet him, like, for-realzies, but I don't know if I would actually want to. It's kind of like when you see the movie of your favorite book, and you think to yourself, "Hey, why does Frodo only have two facial expressions? And what's with that goofy look he's always giving Sam? Is something going on here?"

ahem... anyway, let's recap:

1. Mr. Bunny-Bunny is under my couch
2. I'm losing my mind
3. If I lived in Brooklyn I would probably stalk Jared Flood
4. Sam and Frodo totally have a bromance going on

I think that's about all the time we've got for today class -- that, and I'm running low on wine... and that's a problem.

Chili

I made chili last night. It's almost gone, but it was one of the best batches I've ever made! This warm/cold weather we've been having sure does wreck with my autumnal sensibility, but at least it is finally getting cooler! The summer wasn't particularly abysmal, but it did seem to last quite a while. While I would prefer Autumn to last longer and be more pronounced, I can't be too choosy!

I might make more chili tonight, depending on how I feel later. I need to pick up some more supplies -- spices, cheese, toilet paper. You know, be prepared.